Sexist Comments and Cooking Shows
by ValarieVandal
Summary: -oneshot- the gang does a cooking show. 2 o/c's. but they're cool. you'll like em. ;D


disclaimer:D  
if my name was J. K. Rowling  
I'd own these characters .  
...but it's not.

so I dont. D:

anyway, Jessy gave me this idea.  
so f'wah:D  
enjoy

* * *

**Sexist Comments and Cooking Shows. **

'This…. Is so…. Stupid.' Sirius thought, drifting into sleep at the table. 'Who ever came up with the bloody bright idea to have a home economics class… in a wizarding school. And if we even had to have it, why the bloody hell do men have to take it? I mean, aren't women the ones who are supposed to be in the kitchen anyway?' he could just imagine the mental slap Val and Jess would give him if he said that out loud.

"Okay, dear students, let's talk about something. Cooking. Everyone needs to know how to do it, but only some can. I'm making the following a group project." Professor Bleu stated, as she turned to write on the blackboard.

Immediately, as if on cue, Jess and Val looked at each other, just like they had since the beginning of first year. As to say, 'I call you, okay?' All the boys in the class, however, groaned. They all groaned, of course, except for Peter, because cooking means food. And peter likes food. Lots.

The professor had turned away from the blackboard to reveal two words. Cooking. Show. Confused, everyone glanced at one another, each of them thinking to themselves, '…huh?'

"I suppose I should explain." Professor Bleu chuckled, seeing the perplexed looks on her student's faces. "I've made a deal with a camera crew. You'll be paired in groups of 6, who's members you will decide. You will each have a job of putting together an episode of a cooking show.

One will write, one will direct, one will make the recipies, one will try the food, one will work the camera, and one will be the pretty face on the screen. Are you all with me so far?"

A few students nodded, but the rest just kept staring.

"In this show, you will teach people how to make three meals. One breakfast, One dinner, and One desert. You will be graded on recipes, form, and presentation. You may choose your groups." Bleu ended with a smile.

After that, the room was hectic. Each was running to find another group member. But there were six students who knew exactly who they were working with. James Potter, Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, Val Zano, Jess Martin, and Peter Pettigrew all stood up and congregated in the center of the room. They all decided their jobs quite quickly, too. James would be the recipe maker, considering he was, surprisingly, a good cook. Jess would write the script, because she could write better than anyone in Hogwarts. Val would direct, because she'd always wanted to, and Remus would work the camera to be close to Val. Peter would be the food taster, for obvious reasons, and Sirius would be the aforementioned… "Pretty face."

"Now that you all have your groups and jobs," The professor picked up, "you will have two days to write and create recipes. We will each be filming on different days. Mr. Black's group will film first. Have fun!" As if on cue, the bell rang, and each of the students ran out, chattering to each other about the assignment.

"Oh, this is just fantastic. What a load of bloody fun." Sirius murmured sarcastically.

"Stop your whining, Padfoot. It's not even that bad. For you, anyways. You just have to talk on screen. All of the rest of us have legitimate jobs." Jess countered.

"Yeah Sirius. Do us a favor and not talk till Friday. Wouldn't want to break your precious voice, eh?" Remus cut in.

"Oh, get on." Sirius said playfully as the six walked into the common room.

Two days later, it was Friday. (AKA the day of shooting.) (AKAAKA, the day the world was bound to end.)

The script was finished, from the brilliant mind of one Jessy Martin, the culinary stylings of James Potter were shown through the recipes, Val came complete with her director's burret, Remus held the camera, Peter had an empty stomach and Sirius was combing his hair. Oh boy, this was bound to be fun.

"Alright, people. We have 12 hours to film this show, and we need everyone to be focused, okay?" Val said to the group. "…Sirius? …SIRIUS?"

Sirius glanced up from his mirror. "…what?"

"Focus."

"I am, dearest director. I'm focusing on my job. The pretty face."

Val sighed in frustration and Jess stifled a laugh.

"Places everyone!" Val yelled as she sat on her director's chair and Remus started the camera.

Sirius slinked over to the studio kitchen, placing himself behind the counter where all the ingredients were resting. The fact that he was the 'star of the show' had obviously gone to his head, and the others were already getting tired of it. He took one last look in the mirror, blew himself a man-kiss (because everything Sirius does is manly) and tucked the reflective glass in a cabinet below him. Val rolled her eyes, and gave Remus the cue to start the film.

"And…action!"

Sirius flashed a smile at the camera, and welcomed the viewers.

"Hey, all you viewers at home! Thanks for tuning in. You're watching… 'SIRIUS BLACK: In the kitchen, even though it's kind of odd 'cause women always do all the cooking anyway!' Today, we'll be making-"

"CUT!" Val screeched, staring at the 'star' with a confused look.

"What the bloody hell was that? That wasn't in the script!" Jessy yelled from across the studio, where she had been previously doodling on the orange from a bowl, drawing it a face.

"What? Oh, the title? Yeah, I came up with that myself. Clever, no?"

"…NO?"

"Alright, have it your way, Ms_. Never-Open-To-Other's-Ideas_. What's the title?"

"It's called Siriusly Cooking, you Moron. It has your own name in it."

"Oh yeah. Cos I'm the….star." Sirius sighed dramatically, picking up his mirror again.

At this point, Jess had walked over to him, and had now abruptly slapped him.

"Never…change my script…" She said as she skipped back to her orange.

Val was still confused. "Okay…? Action…I guess…?"

Remus started rolling, and with a huff, Sirius plastered on a smile, and started over.

"Hello, viewers. Thanks for tuning in! This is … _Siriusly Cooking_… and I'm your host, Sirius Black." *Hairflip* "Today we will be making three things. The first will be… this thing." He said, holding up a plate of Eggs Benedict with a banana on the side. "It looks like eggs…and meat…and some sort of bread thing. And a banana. Hm. Looks easy enough."

James rolled his eyes and flopped down on the floor of the studio. Remus looked at Val, and she looked back and rolled her eyes.

"Do you think he even read the script?" Remus whispered to Val.

"Uh…no. He was probably too busy doing his hair to think about what he would actually DO in the show."

Remus chuckled and went back to filming the project / trainwreck that was occurring.

"Okay…so…" Sirius continued, rooting through the pots and pans on the studio wall. When he found a pan-shaped thing, he continued. "So… now I'm gonna make the eggs. You take the eggs, and … I guess you cut them or something." He proceeded to find a knife and attempt to cut the egg. Well…multiple eggs. Then, he gave up. "Well this doesn't need bloody eggs anyway. No one likes eggs."

"I LIKE EGGS!" Peter chimed in.

Sirius glared and then continued. "So, now there's the meat. Um…" he checked the refrigerator. "Where's the meat?"

Peter looked down. "…sorry Padfoot."

"Aw, fine. We'll live without the bloody meat. Now, what's left? This bread stuff. Okay. I can make toast." He pulled out the toaster and plugged it in, while at the same time, grabbing a piece of bread. He popped it in the toaster, and watched it for a while.

"PADFOOT," Val whispered. "START THE DINNER!"

"oh, okay. Um…well… dinner was supposed to be stake, but obviously THAT'S not happening. Right, Petie?"

"Right!" Peter replied happily. James stared blankly at him.

"…Alright. Well… instead, we'll make-"

The toaster popped, and Jess, Val, AND Peter screamed.

"…Wow… okay…" Sirius said as he grabbed the extremely burnt toast out of the toaster. It was so burnt, in fact, that it was on fire. Yes, on fire. "MERLIN!" Sirius yelled as he grabbed the fire extinguisher off the wall and sprayed the burnt toast until it was no longer in flames. He froze, turned abruptly back to the camera and gave another smile. "Well, folks, it looks like the toast didn't turn out either. So, all that's left is the…banana. So…" He held the fruit up to the camera. "There's your breakfast! Anyway, since there's no more meat left, we'll have to make up another dinner. How about…" He looked around. "Crackers! Ah, crackers so simplistic, yet complicated. So cheap, yet classy." Sirius rambled on like this for about five minutes, while finding a box of saltine crackers to empty onto a plate. He finished, took some garnishes, sprinkled them over the plate, and held it up to the camera. "Voila! Crackers a la Sirius!"

Val sighed again. This. Was. A. failure. But an amusing failure.

"Are you gonna stop this tape at, like, any point?" Remus asked, Looking worriedly at this disaster.

"Nah. This is too much good footage to blackmail Sirius with later." Val replied.

Remus chuckled and went back to filming.

"Okay, my lovely viewers. Our last dish is the desert. It is good ol' ice cream! Something we all love. Okay. So for this…I need… ice…and cream, right? Hah! Easy enough. Let's get this started, shall we?" Sirius said happily. He went to the freezer and got a tray of ice. "I wonder how much we need…" he murmured. "Oh well. I'll use it all." He set the tray down and reached into the refrigerator, only to reveal he had gotten a pint of cream. "So… I'll use all of this too, I guess. Alright! Now we're on track, eh? I've got my ice, and I've got my cream! So, let's throw these In a blender and see how things turn out!"

The rest of the five looked at each other. This…was bound to be bad. Like, not just a little bad. Horrible. But none of them could move to stop it. It was like watching a car crash.

"Okay guys. This is our last step!" Sirius plugged the blender in and uncapped it. "We pour in the cream and ice…" he did so with an obviously fake amount of excitement. "and we turn on the blender!"

And…there it was. Boom. The crashing of the cars. He turned on the device…without putting the lid on.

"SIRIUS, NO-" …but it was too late.

The last thing she saw was the camera being knocked over and a view of creamy ice on the lens.

Professor Bleu turned off the tape.

"You six…" she started.

The six teens were in a line in front of the television. Each one had their heads down, but Sirius's was the lowest. Bleu looked at each one and sighed.

"B plus."

Six heads popped up. A B plus? Was that even possible? After that disaster of a film, they thought they'd get expelled, not a passing grade, much less a B plus.

"But…why, professor?" Jess asked, confounded by her words.

"You did all of your work. You tried. Failed at it, but tried. You made it work for you. Then again, it turned into more of a comedy then a cooking show, but that's okay. So, you pass."

Wide grins broke across the students faces as they thanked the professor and started out of the room. They were chattering with excitement and amazement when she cut in once more.

"Oh, and Mr. Black?"

"Yeah, Professor?"

"Don't quit your day job."


End file.
